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Original Words devised for this performance
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A More Humane Mikado
All prosy dull society sinners
Who chatter on mobile phones
Are sent off on tours in
-to North Yorkshire moors —
Low phone reception zones.
The amateur singer, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The ladies whose faces are thick with foundation
Who give you beauty tips
Will be given injections
And facial corrections
And Lesley Ash's lips.
The idiot who, on local radio
Bores with patter inane
Will find his vocation
In Scarborough train station
Announcing arrivals of trains
[Chorus]
The vegan hippie quack who wearies
With homeopathic drugs
Will catch influenza
And try to get better
On herbal tea and hugs.
The X-Factor winner will hear a series
Of masses again and again
By Bach, interwoven
With Brahms and Beethoven,
On Smooth Classics at Ten.
The overpaid boss whom anyone catches
Will find himself in a state,
Because his wage
Will now be gauged
By the Bank of England base rate.
And last and least the Scottish Prime Minister
Trying to ruin us all
Is attacked by an eagle
A frog and a beagle
Who'll eat his remaining eyeball.
I've Got a Little List
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list — I've got a little list,
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for tabloid news
And censors who cut articles from Vision and from Nouse
All children who ride mountain bikes, and floor you with them flat
All persons who in shaking hands shake hands with you like that
And all odd persons who on giving Facebook pokes insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!
There's the student politician, and the others of his race,
And the DJ with a lisp — he's on Andrew Sach's list!
And the people who smoke cigarettes and puff 'em in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the Eurovision singer who can never hit a note
And then complains about it when he only gets one vote
And the parents who on having children give them silly names
Like Pocahontas, Peaches and a little girl called James
And that worrying anomaly, the lady motorist —
I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not be missed!
And that sanctimonious nuisance who will surely get no thanks
The financial analyst — I've got him on the list!
All mortgage lenders, credit sharks, and all who work in banks —
They'd none of them be missed — they'd none of them be missed.
And those headline-grabbing starlets of an irritating kind
Such as what d'ye call her — thing'me-bob, and like-wise — Never-mind
And 'St- 'St -'St — and What's her-name, they always reappear —
On works of genius like 'Big Brother, get me out of here!'
And students who on spending weekends getting pissed insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
Act 3
The story continues
Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo went on to live happily ever after, along with their eight sons.
At last – a male chorus.
Pish-Tush ascended to the rank of Superintendent of Police in the neighbouring town of Kokkiwi, and happily consented to marrying his detective sidekick Peep-Bo.
Pooh-Bah still dances at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. Email his manager Pitti-Sing at dancemonkeydance@gsyork.co.uk for more details.
Combining Ko-Ko’s love of tailoring with his wedded’s penchant for unusual exhibitionism, he and Katisha penned a self-help book entitled: “Ko-Ko and Katisha’s What Not to Wear: Rubbing Elbows with the Rich and Famous”
Having decreed that the punishment fit the crime, the Mikado was so amused that his internal organs failed. Fortunately, the eagle, frog and beagle were there to tidy up...
... Nanki-Poo became Emperor of Japan. His first act as Mikado was to change his name to Andrew.
The eagle, the frog and the beagle retired to their summer home in Basingstoke.